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“I’m my worst self when I’m around him.” It’s been a phrase that started as a fleeting thought, but has grown louder and more resounding over the past year or so. “Him” is my husband.
I’m a full-time working mom. I love my job and my colleagues, and feel like I’m in a position and job that was made for me. I love being at work, and when I’m there, I’m outgoing, friendly, and get along really well with all of my colleagues. But when I get home, and specifically when I’m around my husband, I turn into a totally different person. I’m impatient, negative, and honestly? I can be a total bitch. But, I feel, he deserves it and I can’t snap out of it.
I should back up.
We have history. Without going into too much detail, both my husband and I have messed up royally in our marriage. Me first, him second. His mess up actually caused some relief. “Oh good, we’ve both done something catastrophic to our marriage. We’re even.” I thought it would heal us, make us closer, strengthen our bond, but it’s actually done the opposite and has driven a complete wedge between us. So much so that I’ve strongly considered leaving (and often still do).
What makes me stay?
It’s complicated, but really, it boils down to three things:
- It’s emotional. I don’t want my three kids to grow up in a broken home.
- It’s vain. We’ve always been that family who looks like they have their shit together. Beautiful kids, great jobs, amazing adventures. To realize it’s a façade makes me worry about what people will think of me and of us. It’s vain, but true.
- It makes sense. I can’t do the job I do without my husband, who picks the kids up from school and gets them ready for bed when I have late nights. He takes the helm when I have my frequent international work trips. Also, we can’t pay all of the bills if we’re divorced. Financially and logistically, we’re better together.
Point number one above is something I’ve researched at length. Are kids who are exposed to a loveless marriage messed up as adults seeking their own companionship? Research varies. Some says it’s better for the parents to stay together and others say it’s better to split. My personal opinion is that I really don’t know, and I struggle with it on a daily basis. We don’t fight in front of our kids, and have actually been pretty mature when it comes to the issues with which we’re dealing. For that, I’m proud. But, they definitely never see mom and dad hug or kiss, and I don’t want that to totally distort their view of love in the future. I counteract it by heaping oodles of love and hugs and kisses on them, but realize that it probably isn’t enough.
If I’m completely honest with myself, I think the romantic relationship for us is over. I feel no love for him whatsoever, and that crushes me to the core. However, I don’t foresee us doing anything official because of the kids. Is that wrong? Is that bad? Does anyone have a good marriage therapist we can see to hash everything out, and truly discover together if the relationship can persevere? I’m taking any and all thoughts. Have you contemplated splitting up? While I know every situation differs, why did you end up going through with it or not?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
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